Disco Balls with Teeth

Nosferatu: The First Vampire (1922)

Nosferatu: The First Vampire (1922)

…What I’m saying is that I’m sick of Twilight vampires with their pasty listening faces and their undead abs of steel. That’s not a vampire, when did vampires get bodies like that. Vampires that work out, what the hell is wrong with you.. They are pasty and thin and go grr like that.  They dont go to a ghouls gym in the middle of the day

…A vampire should be a silent predator on the night not some guy you friend up with on myspace.. I know myspace isnt cool anymore. It’s all about Facetube tweetbot.. yes its about tweetybot.. vampires are behind the times though. these dont use myspace. they read newspapers. they’ve got their plasma screens made with real plasma.. A blood joke why thank you very much Craig..  – Craig Ferguson

I admit, I’m a True Blood fan,  the evilness, the good, the conflict, and of course the sex. Honestly, Suki is annoying as shit (apparently in the books she’s less annoying), and I say annoying, cause  fans just want to see Bill get over himself and kill and maim some humans, and this little blonde back country tart keeps appealing to his “good” self.  This trollop from the first X-Men movie, which in some ways resembled a vampire in her role of Rogue sucking the life soul out of anyone she touched, continuously annoys everyone around her, including the fans.  Maybe it’s just Anna Paquin herself, but  secretly don’t we all wish someone would suck the life blood out of this fairy, and move on with goodness in the bayou?  Granted, we would probably be left with 3 or 4 episodes with Bill pining for her, but that would be easily rectified by Eric killing him, and becoming the lead in the show.   For those readers not familiar with any of the information I just provided you, click here for the list of characters .

The most perfect part of this show, was an amazing sex scene, which brought about the beauty, rawness and inner desire of all humans with some amazing vampire fornication.  This was the raw energy, that few experience on television, and make us all wonder how the Twilight was even dreamed or created.    It was raw, angry, bestial, non-emotional screwing, that made us long for all the sensual memories we had of vampires, it was what made vampires cool to begin with.



For those who missed it, Vampire Bill (Stephen Moyer) is angry at his manipulative “maker” Lorena (Mariana Klaveno). She stole his human life, his humanity, blah blah blah, he hates her, she wants to get back in his pants. Things get heated. “I will NEVER have sex with you!” he yells as he tears her clothes off, which is a bit of a mixed message. He bites her and hops on top, she claws him, and then — here’s the kicker — he twists her head around 180 degrees so he can get the ol’ missionary vampire hate-f*ck.  Oh wait, that’s not the kicker. The real kicker is Lorena, bleeding from the mouth and disfigured while being hate-f*cked by a guy who set her on fire earlier in the night, spits out, “I love you” just as Bill climaxes. Click here for the full article – http://warmingglow.uproxx.com :

This brings me to my thoughts on the whole Twilight phenomenon, and notice I don’t even bother linking Twilight to anything, cause the whole thing is crap and bullshit.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I truly do.  I grew up with movies such as  the Lost Boys, and Bram Strokers Dracula directed by the man himself, Francis Ford Coppola.    I grew up knowing vampires were powerful, lusted blood, were things you were to be afraid of, yet wanted to be.  You knew they were sensual, women knew they could be drawn in by them, seduced by them, yet eventually destroyed by them.  Vampires were the true bad seed from the wrong side of the tracks, the guy girls mothers warned them about.  They were the ultimate bad ass.

Then came Twilight.

Honestly, who the hell does Stephanie Meyer think she is G Rating vampires to become touchy feely.  I’m not saying this without any previous research,   I watched the movies by force, no I was not tied to a chair, but it’s pretty hard after a 12 hour shift to argue against the women that surround me.  I did squirm in my chair alot during the tween hearthrob crap, but suffered through it with gritted teeth, wondering if a fang would pop, or some blood would drip.  When neither of these natural vampire occurences happened, I still kept my mind open to the drivel that was being shown on my television.

Then came the scene where that dude (I refuse to say his name lest he come to my door and look sad at me) where he stood in the sun, and I got very excited, knowing that he would finally burst into flame, ending my torture, and hopefully the movie.

No, this mother fucker bloody well sparkled!

What the hell!  Sparkling vampires??  I was outraged, blustered, angry, and yes, felt a little violent.  This woman who had created a so called phenomonen called the Twilight series, had broken the one thing that was constant about vampires, and that was, they were a little alergic to the sun (unless of course they were really, really old, then they just got a really bad sunburn) , to the point, IT DESTROYED THEM!

Hell, even Anne Rice, whose novels are full of flowers and incense and alot of really big words that involve homosexual innuendos, got that shit right, and she made a fortune, so how the hell is this person (Meyer) have the audacity to bring to a new generation of teenagers sparkly vampires

Transylvania 6-5000 - Bugs Bunny & Vampire

Even this Vampire is scary

that don’t seem to bite anyone on screen, suck anyone’s blood, and play freakin’ baseball.  Hell, you’re not umpires, you’re vampires.  (Bugs Bunny reference everyone.) , and in this case I truly would hit one of those Twilight vampires in the face if they were wearing glasses.

I could continue on with Vampires in culture, both ancient and current, but that would be lost on the generation that is growing up the Twilight phenomenon.   I plead that we get back to our modern basics, where Vampires suck blood, are creatures of the night. Perhaps a story can be created about a vampire that stalks his victims via Facebook, meets them in dark alleys for a romantic encounter (see screw) and then dispatches them after looking longingly in their eyes (see hypnotize).  Unfortunately, Datelines “To Catch a Predator” has destroyed all hope of this, and until things are rectified, we have no hope of bringing vampires back to the evil creatures they once were unless we unify, and just say NO to the Twilight.

About Geof Smith

A technology lover that has oozing thoughts. Blogger for Living Like A Boss (http://www.llaboss.com) and BlackBerry Empire (http://www.blackberryempire.com) View all posts by Geof Smith

4 responses to “Disco Balls with Teeth

  • Meg

    Completely agree. How could a phenomenon like this even be allowed to spawn? Who in their right mind decides that vampires should sparkle??? And how on earth is this sparkly-emotional-vegetarian vampire shit even continue? I’ve seen the movies too, and get thoroughly annoyed with how one woman can change the legend of vampires. Meyer, I’d like to ask you this… why couldn’t you just buck up and write a vampire series for adults that actually follows traditions? Breaking traditions only brings doubt. Doubt brings mistrust. Mistrust brings a lack in sales because you’re too stuck up to write what’s right. 😛

  • Shah Shahid

    I urge you to await my complete and utter destruction of Meyer and her Gossip Girl’ing Vampires (I realize the timing of each is inconsistent) and making, in some ways, the terrifying concept of vampires into a subject of pop music videos.

    Awesome post though. The TWILIGHT phenomenon both bring a bloody tear to my eye which quickly turns into blinding rage and a flurry of expletives.


  • Gooey Vampires in Chapters « Morbium

    […] Chapters has confirmed that the mock vampire phenomenon that tweens drink up like Red Bull, has spread like fleas on the backs of rats during the plague, and infected our young.  If you haven’t already read my rant about this,  check out Disco Balls with Teeth. […]

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